The early part of my acting career came to me almost accidentally. I say accidental, but what I mean is that it happened to me while I was looking the other way. I was teaching tennis in Connecticut making ridiculous amounts of money. I had a young family and after splurging and buying shiny things, paying bills, and having security for the first time in my life, something was missing. What it was I did not know. What I knew was that I was never home, because I was chasing the ever loving dollar. I had neglected something inside me that seemed to have gone to sleep.

Enter an opportunity and me falling in loving with my first ever acting job. Suffice it to say, from now on I had a new career, a new purpose, a new understanding of myself. By seeking jobs, auditioning, and working, I had realised that I had found myself. Being an actor explained all the intangibles in my life. It was the answer to why I felt not quite connected to my fellow man. How my sometimes infantile behaviour would somehow put food on the table. And most importantly of all, I was feeding my soul. My family went along with this less than secure way of life and we were all off to the races. This support would prove vital to the ups and downs of this industry.

As with all adventures, there were times where I was more than challenged and the prospect of eminent failure was very probably. The first two years of my new found career were abundant and deceiving. Then the move to California from the East Coast was met with a golden opportunity to be on a network show that would run for three years. then we got cancelled and I had to essentially start over. Followed by some ups and downs (more downs than I realised) and the grim reality of having a day job was now a necessity. I went back to teaching tennis. It was, and sometimes still is, a terrific day job. I make my own hours and I can make decent money as I run around a court chasing little green balls wearing shorts.

My issue with teaching tennis was simply the idea that I wasn’t involved with my craft. So, I started teaching acting classes, writing classes, workshops on low budget filmmaking, and being hired out as a camera operator. Having a day job was necessary, but I did not, and do not, want it to become THE job. The industry was not responding to my needs as an actor. So, what was there for me to do? It was time to do something amazing and insane and reinvent myself again, as a filmmaker.

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I was often told stories of my childhood where I was a crazy child, always running around, playing out adventures, making up games and stories in which I was the hero who always died at the end of the game. Later in life, I was always told how funny I was and that I should be a comedian. Apparently, family and friends thought it was a great idea, my teachers at school, not so much. So, I had this desire to connect with people in a way that brought me approval, validation, and most of all, attention. I found that I craved acceptance and affection, especially from strangers. This didn’t mean that I joined groups or changed myself in order to be included in a situation or with people. It meant that I would present myself as a unique person that hopefully, people would like. The by-product of wanting to please everyone around you is loneliness. I never quite thought I fit into any group. Perhaps I was too different, original, weird? I wasn’t sure. What I was sure about was the way I felt I could read people, therefore I could reach them with humour.

In retrospect, I suppose I was always a performer. When I was a musician, I lived to perform in front of a live audience. As an up-and-coming professional tennis player, the tennis court was my stage and I played like the characters of a Shakespearean play as I used drama and comedy during a match. Even when I started teaching Taekwondo and Hapkido in my studio. I held court with monologues and soliloquies overcoming obstacles and using the martial art as a personal expression of ourselves. Why was my default to perform in one way or the other? Even before I started my acting career, I was very familiar with playing roles in other people’s movies.

I finally became an actor way back in 1989. I was now being paid for behaving or misbehaving, as it were, for being myself. That lasted the first couple of years and mostly in New York, the city of my artistic birth. But, then I discovered being truthful in portraying other characters in other stories that I had no acquaintance with. In movies, it was about belief in who I was playing and hitting my mark, finding my light, repeating what I had just done multiple times. On the stage, it was about being completely present and being open to subtle changes in the delivery of my cues and the energy of the audience. And in television, I found that I was most successful when I played myself in comic situations and always listening and responding as I found the lens and my light.

Not too long ago I was reminded by a colleague of mine that we perform in plays and play roles. The common word there is play. Is it so far away when I used to stand on my sofa and imagine I was the sheriff of a lawless town and I got shot by a shadow on the wall and fell onto the sofa, rolled onto the floor and with a breathless gasp, I would utter my perfect dying words and then expire on the carpet, only to be brought out of this reality because it was time for dinner. I hope I never lose the enthusiasm of playing.

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I walk into the house. I plant my keys in the key bowl next to the front door, just in case a burglar needs a getaway car. I make my way into the kitchen, put the kettle on to boil, and go into my studio. Today, I promised myself I would finish the outline for my next film which will be shot in Belgium next April. I turn on my computer and the three monitors fire up on cue. My two iPads complete the five screens on my desktop and I am ready to go. Time for some writing. But first, the kettle whistles and I leave my desk with my smart cup ready to fill it with the divine amber liquid. Within minutes I am back with my tea and staring once again at a blank screen. 

Perhaps I should check my emails from my agent. Or, maybe scroll through my iMessages just in case I missed an offer to direct or write a new film. I have it. I’ll go on my IMDb Pro account and check my StarMeter.  This is what I call “My Procrastination Way.” It is a method by which I avoid the whole purpose of having this much computer power to write a script, an email, or this bloody outline that is due in less than a week. I count this form of procrastination as writing. Why may you ask? Because once I actually start writing, it is hard for me to stop.

Personally, I strongly believe that thinking about a project counts as writing. Almost everything I do regarding the concept of the story, the plot, the character, planning and plotting toward the production, and, hopefully, directing counts as writing. So, when does the actual writing occur? It happens when I look into the blank screen and decide that if I don’t put words unto this white landscape of dread, I will not be able to travel to Belgium, collaborate with fellow filmmakers and make a movie. Nothing happens without the story being written down. It is the alpha before the omega.

Procrastination is real, and in some cases, it can keep you from working to your full potential. On the other hand, I equate procrastination with anticipation. As if I were standing over a very high cliff, the lapping water way down below me, either inviting me, or dissuading me to jump. It is the momentary pause before any great or lousy work of art begins.  Do I jump? Do I write? Do I create? Or, do I stand at the edge of the cliff and just watch. Today, I decided to jump.

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A lot has happened in the last couple of weeks. The Writer’s Strike is over and the membership seems to be mostly pleased with their new contracts. The actors, however, are still on strike. The Directors Guild of America made their deal early, so all eyes are on the Screen Actors Guild and the AMPTP. So, what now? We wait seems to be the obvious answer. But, there seems to be a bigger issue than is obvious. Directors can plan. Writers can write. But, actors need to be hired in order for them to do their work. It is also true that on the one hand, nobody can go back to work until the actors return. But, that only applies to the fact that whatever project you are working on is not being produced by a member of the AMPTP. Interim contracts, student films, SAG New Media contracts aside, nobody can really work just yet.

I stand by my union with the demands that are being negotiated. However, a troubling thought has begun to cross my mind. What about the actors that are not of the 15% that work regularly enough to qualify for medical insurance and their pension? It’s a group that I have been a member of off and on for the last 34 years. Some years were fantastic and I could provide for my family. Other times the belt had to be fastened a little tighter in order for us to make our bills every month. And during the last few years, not counting COVID-19, I have had to go back to my day job in order to fulfill my financial obligations. It’s not a terrible thing and maybe not even a complaint. But, what worries me is how the actors that are on the fringe are able to make a living as an actor. The reality of the business sets in after a few years of auditioning, booking, and mostly not booking work. Therefore there is no shame in doing whatever it takes to keep your house and dreams alive at the same time.

I don’t have a magic solution for myself, let alone others. What I can say is that even though I am not working as regularly as I would like, I still consider myself a professional actor and that being on the set for even a few weeks a year is worth the weeks I am not working. When we strike, my chances for work diminish terribly and when we go back to work after the strike, I hope to be back in the game. But, hope must turn into action, and sitting on the sidelines whinging about not booking work or having the opportunity of even getting in the room is a form of going on strike against myself.

Well, I hate to cut this one short, but I have a resume to update, some footage to edit for my new showreel, and setting an appointment with my agent to discuss my plans for a new direction of my career as a professional actor.

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Lately, I have found myself in a very uncomfortable place. I just spent a month in Ireland directing a feature that was only a concept a year earlier. Then, when I arrived back in Los Angeles, I had two days to recover from jet lag and act in a film as the main character for the next six days. And one of those days was a night shoot. Needless to say, my body clock is still trying to recover. I know what you are thinking. Poor me, I got to direct a film in one of the most beautiful places on the planet and then I got a job as the main character on a fully budgeted film. Woo is me.

My dilemma does not come from working back to back. Nor is it about being tired and not being on Pacific Standard Time. My dilemma is that after six weeks of being employed in a profession that I love, I suddenly find myself with the aftermath of what came before. I have about 13 days of footage to log and look through, and make decisions about what takes are good enough to make it to the second round of post. It is a big job and I just don’t know where to start.

So, I devised a plan that I would look through the footage with my producing partner, but she is not available until the end of September. I suppose I could go through it alone and then when she returns we can get straight into building a first cut. But, that is where I find myself unfocused and feeling unprepared to tackle such a grand task. This film is important in so many ways and I am afraid that I may not be good enough to do the film justice. Every artist that I have ever known, including myself, has these feelings of doubt, inadequacies, and sheer terror that they may not have a film among the takes. But, maybe my apprehension about starting the process is not about confidence, but maybe it is about the simple action of starting.

Once I get going, I usually find my way through these negative thoughts and do the task at hand. Perhaps is it the simple fact of shutting my phone off, firing up the three monitors, and placing my hand on the trackpad and clicking? Could it be as simple as that? It is not necessarily feeling like I don’t have a film. I think that sometimes I am afraid to commit wholly to something I have created not because it might be bad. But, maybe because I believe it to be good. Very good, and I don’t want to mess it up. There’s only one way to find out. I’ll be in the editing room if you need me.

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I recently saw an interview with the magical Greta Gerwig where she spoke of the obstacles to making a film becoming the path in which she has found herself as a director. This gave me a moment of introspection as I toiled in my endeavor 5,000 miles away from home, the film I am currently shooting in Ireland. It took a year from conception to principal photography. It seems like a quick turnaround and I suppose it is, but from the start, this film was beset by “obstacles.”

Obstacle: Distance 

Distance was of course a bit of a challenge. All meetings were performed over Zoom, Google Chat, FaceTime, and good old-fashioned phone calls. Preproduction meetings are usually long, tedious chats with several people where we all assume things will be taken care of only to find out by the next meeting that they weren’t. As much as I dislike meetings, a canceled meeting sends shivers up my spine. Casting was a formidable task. I had cast my two leads, but some of the roles were yet to be cast and many of them were children. Casting kids can be a huge undertaking as you are not just dealing with the actors themselves, but also their parents. And then there is the ultimate obstacle, the script. Or writing the script, to be more precise. It would have been extremely helpful if I was able to be in Ireland for a couple of months in order to capture the full essence of this story, but I was not. Although I took several trips over the past years to lock locations and develop the story. Which leads me to…
Obstacle: Finances

Being a co-producer I knew only too well all what a small budget entails. To say I have been there before and done that is an understatement.  Low budget has become my mantra. I was to be away for 28 days in Ireland leaving behind any source or sources of income for an extended amount of time. My fellow Irish producers, who were financing the other half of this production, also had to make changes in their lifestyles and pocketbooks. But, it’s a choice to make art, to put aside the understandable fears of money or the lack of. It should not and never has not prevented me from filmmaking. It’s remarkable what you can do when needs must and the passion for a project is high.

Obstacle: Inexperience

Most of my cast was first-time actors or new actors with limited experience. The crew that was assembled had only a cursory amount of training or experience. Not only was I shooting a film, but I found myself in a position of mentor and coach. Saying that, there is a lot to be said about youth, enthusiasm, and a willingness to be part of something greater.

Obstacle: Time

Who doesn’t want or think they need more time? I had a year to write the script. I traveled to Ireland three times within the year in order to secure locations, work out logistics, and do some casting. It seemed like I had a lot of time to complete everything I wanted to have ready before the first day of filming. But, like most things I find in my life, time flies and, before I knew it, I was packing for my trip without a completed screenplay and a fully cast movie. The crew would be completely unknown to me and the Irish weather was another factor to affect the film. I kept thinking, if I only had another few weeks or one month I would be okay. But there is never enough time to prepare for a film, especially when there are so many unknowns.

Conclusion: Acceptance

As far as the obstacle of distance was concerned, it really seemed to completely disappear the minute I arrived. Everything was ready for me and I was there early enough to give me plenty of time to finish the casting process and prepare the crew. Finances are either there or they are not. For us, it wasn’t much, but apparently, it was enough. The obstacle of inexperience turned into inspiration and one of the sharpest and most efficient teams I had ever worked with. What was lacking in experience became a determination to succeed and everyone showed themselves to be more than up to the challenge and I made my ‘day’ throughout the shoot. And finally, time was not a factor. Did I run out of time? Yes. Do I have a plan to get more time? I do. Chapter two of this saga begins today.

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I have been often asked by friends, colleagues, and the curious regarding what do I need in order to start and film a movie. When I bring back the question to the asker, I get answers such as; finances, cast, distributor, dates, locations, equipment, more financing, hiring crew, film festivals, and one answer that isn’t mentioned as often – the script. 

I’ve been making films since 2000 and the vast majority of them have been either short subject films, or television pilots, which in reality are really longer short films. Almost all of my projects were on micro budgets or no budgets at all. I have had mixed results concerning finances on these films. But, one thing that has always stood out in my mind and the life of the project is, that somehow, everything falls into place for me.  And I don’t mean in some magical passive place where I sit back close my eyes and wish it to be so. It is a lot of hard work to put all of your energies into making something work and seeing the opportunities that spring up when you are focused on the process.

Saying all of that, however, doesn’t mean that every project I approach in this manner, works out at the time. Some projects need to find the right time to be created. One could wait for many factors to come together in order for the birth of a project to come to be. I am about to embark on a project that will test me in every way. Some friends have urged me to wait for a better time. Wait for more money to be raised. Why must you do this project now and not six months from now, “when everything falls into place.” On this particular project, my answer is that the best time to make this project a reality is now.

A year ago, almost to the day, I started on the road to this project and now, a year later, it is ready to come to life. Is the time right? I hope so. Could I use more money? Most definitely. Should I relocate the project from Europe to the US? Absolutely not. Am I ready to tackle this massive endeavor? I hope so. I have found that if I trust my instincts and my heart, and with the help of some amazing people that subscribe to the point of view, “if not now, when,” then I am more than ready to begin. So, here I go, for better or worse, into the almost impossible place of making something to share to the world, from a simple idea of telling a story that I want to tell.

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It is that time of year again. The Hollywood Fringe Festival is in full gear all over the Hollywood area. There are musicals, solo shows, and dramatic and comedic presentations. Cabaret shows, drag shows, large casts, small casts, and many many more categories of talent and endeavors. It is an opportunity for me to get out of my studio and away from my editing bay, or my first, second or third draft of a script. No shot lists, preproduction meetings, hunting for money, casting, hiring crew, and location scouting. It’s the time of year that I look forward to and see what my fellow artists are up to.

It was now time to drive to Hollywood and enter a small black box theatre, sit back, and relax and enjoy the show. And then write six reviews for six shows in three days. To be perfectly honest, I was asked to review these six shows because the supreme reviewer was way out of town and so six people settled for me. And it’s a good thing they did, because I may have not have taken the time to see six shows and revel in the artistic endeavors of artists that put their hearts and souls (and their own money) in the shows that are presented at the Hollywood Fringe Festival.

Now, I have been to lots and lots of film festivals around the world and what they share in common is the commercial aspect of the work. Will somebody buy it? How much will the distributors pay? Streaming or theatrical? Netflix, Amazon, or Apple TV+? Did we win any awards. And on, and on. But the artists that present their work are just hoping for an audience, laughter, a sigh. Did I come across well? Did they get the test, message, moral of the story? I had forgotten that art can be just for the sake of the art. Right now, I am about to embark on my own insane film project in Europe and I am concerned about all the aspects that come along making a feature film. But, for one weekend, I was humbled and reminded that even a film deserves the respect of telling a story the best way one can and hoping that one person walks away after the lights come up, a bit changed.

I was a bit changed six times in three days. I admit that I laughed, cried, moved by an experience I had no personal knowledge of. I was diverted from my everyday cares and participated in that holy communion of art and audience. Thank you Hollywood Fringe for being a part of my journey.

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I got into the Screen Actors Guild a bit backward. My first acting job came to me on a low-budget, independently produced film shooting in Connecticut. It was 1989 and the first time I heard of SAG, I was already on set speaking to a SAG representative. I had booked a supporting role and believed I was just an extra, but apparently, the director wanted to throw me some lines. The SAG representative told the director that in order for the production not to be fined for focusing a non-union actor on a union shoot, I had to join SAG before my next day of shooting. This was my first experience with any union representation. After a few years of working consistently, I came to rely on my union for safety on set concerns, meal penalties, overtime, and residuals. It was a marriage of mutual convenience.

During my time in New York as an actor, I took advantage of the various programs they had in place. There was the SAG Conservatory where I could take some classes from on-camera audition techniques, to stage combat and voiceover classes. All for the very affordable fee of $10 a year. I met a lot of lovely people and some colleagues. I attended SAG General Membership meetings and I always took advantage of SAG members-only screenings with Q&As. I even joined the EEOC committee when I was in New York. The honeymoon was still on. Then after my first year as a working actor, the New York Stagehands (IATSE) had a strike and I suddenly found myself confronted with the issue of crossing or not crossing a picket line.

That’s when I decided to move to L.A. with my family and try my hand at swimming with the very big fish. I transferred my home membership from New York to Los Angeles. I found that there was a very definite line drawn between non-union and SAG work. The allure of non-union work was that there was a lot more of it and that there was usually a cash buyout instead of residuals. Non-union work was also everywhere; commercials, theatre, and film work. 

Rule number one at SAG was that we were never to take non-union work. Does that include independent short films shot by friends or colleagues that had zero budgets and no oversight? What about student films? What about modelling or print work If I wanted to make a film and wanted to use SAG actors, would that be impossible without a large budget or what? The Screen Actors Guild had lots of different contracts to accommodate most budgets and projects. It involved applying to be a signatory of the union with various other requirements depending on the production budget and possible distribution mechanisms in order for SAG actors to participate in low to no budget projects.

I have always been a “Union Man” (up the workers and all that stuff). But some criticisms remain in my mind. The whole pension and health requirements for medical insurance and accessing your pension, should you ever require it, is strewn with complicated eligibility requirements and dizzying bureaucracy. The political in fighting within the board management is counter productive at times. Our brothers and sisters of the WGA are currently on strike and I for one support their efforts. Soon, our contracts come up for renewal with the producers and if need be, we will strike. All this is important and good, but deep down inside, I just want to work. I want more opportunities to read for roles that are usually read for by other actors that don’t look like me. I want the chance to do great work for fair pay. That’s the bottom line. Will my union help me get there? I hope so. However, it does feel good to know that there is an organization, a union, that has my best interest at heart. I may not be as powerful as Mr. Brad Pitt, but as we’re in the same union, I am just as important.

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I wish I had a simple answer or advice for the subject of confidence in the business. In the early days of my acting career, I had nothing but confidence. I read for virtually every casting opportunity in New York. I auditioned for musicals, even though I couldn’t sing at that level. I read for roles that were not traditionally available for me; case in point. One of my first plays that I auditioned for was for, Sweet Bird of Youth in Weston, Connecticut. I read for the role of Chance Wayne, played by Paul Newman on Broadway and in the film version. Rumour had it that Paul Newman himself might attend the play once it was up. He lived in the same town as the Weston Playhouse. After hearing my read, the director was very kind and said that I had great magnetic energy, but that I was not right for the role. He gave me the role of Fly, the hotel busboy. I didn’t know any better and was incredibly excited to do my first play. As things went the first 18 months of my career, I was fearless and kept reading not knowing I should be afraid and selective. Fortunately, I booked a lot of work that first year.

After I made the move to California for film work, I got a taste of rejection after rejection. I also lost a lot of self-confidence. I was asked to audition with an accent most of the roles and the majority of the rest – they were Spanish-speaking parts. Once again, no complaints. I was working a lot, but not in the roles that I truly wanted to play. Then an interesting thing happened. I booked a reoccurring role on a network show where every week, I just had to be myself. I was specially told that I was hired because they liked my character (continence). I was told this by, at the time, the most powerful woman in television. She said her show would be like Cheers and that I would be like Norm or Cliff. The show got cancelled after the third season.

After that, I went into a short-lived tailspin, not being able to book anything mostly because I was too desperate to work and the rejections seemed more and more personal. My day job, teaching tennis, was beginning to pick up as my acting career took a backseat to my finances. I had a family to take care of and I needed some security and steady income. I did work some more, but not on a regular basis. 

Then it occurred to me that I had gone from a professional actor, who teaches tennis once in a while to a professional tennis instructor, who acts once in a while. That was the epiphany. I had given up on myself as a working actor because of the multitudes of “No thank you. We’ll keep you in mind.” I was lost. Then one bleak morning at the tennis courts waiting for the next student in a series of students to arrive, I had another thought. I can do both. I can still pay my bills by doing something I do well and help others and still continue with my acting career. It wasn’t a matter of one or the other. It was all about that ancient phrase, “Fake it until you make it,” that I took to heart. With a little modification on my part, I changed my mind to putting all of my energies into performing during my auditions rather than viewing for a job. The audition was the job. I am glad to report that things are better on the acting front. It isn’t quite as good as it was a few years ago, but I believe my future is brighter when I take action than when it was all about the scarcity of the work.

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